Everything spins and repeats in my head. I don't ever forgive myself, it repeats over and over in my head and in my dreams. My whole life, my mother made me believe that I had special powers but in reality it was an anxiety disorder. She made me and people around us believe when I felt anxious it meant something was going to happen that I could see the future. I believed it and my sisters believed it. By coincidence sometimes something would happen so it engraved in my heart and in my head that I knew what was going to happen in the future, but I was really experiencing anxiety attack.So now that I know better, how do I fix it?
I believe because I do have strength in me, I am not in a mental hospital. When I watch TV and see a character with schizophrenia, I can relate. I understand what that character is feeling. I recently attended an outpatient clinic for mental illness and it all made sense to me. Everything I learned and the stories I had heard from people I totally understood. It was a release for me to understand why I've wanted to shave my hair or run down the street screaming. It was not my mother's fault I was not diagnoses earlier in my life, she didn't know better. Mental illness was a taboo in her generation and she was taught to tough it out.And she also needed help. She could have had a better life if she had gotten help.
There so many times I just want it all to stop. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting. I do remember as a child trying to explain myself to my dad and he would tell me to turn off my brain, to make it go blank and relax. I couldn't do it then and I can't do it now.
Marisol
