I torture myself over things that can't be changed. I guess I shouldn't use the word torture, but I don't what other word to use. I will never be happy. I can not forgive. I can not let go. I feel nothing.
I remember at mom's funeral many relatives coming up to us and letting us know how much my mom loved us. I know that she did and I know why she did, because we were her only feelings left. She only cared about us, her daughters. I know that because that is how I feel. All my energy goes to my daughters, the little love that I have is only for them. They have become my everything.
As parents our children shouldn't be our everything, they should be a piece of hearts but not our whole heart. Our heart should belong to spouse, but when it doesn't it has to be filled with something else and that is where our children come in and fill it up. I know understand that is what I mom did, my mom lived for us as I live for my children, without them I would have no reason to get up in the morning and in a way that is sad. Not sad because I have them but sad because I have no other reasons and we should all have other reasons.
I don't how to change the way I feel. I don't know how to wake up and be excited about life, about my life, about living. So maybe torture is the correct word for me.
Marisol
