Sadness

Venting

I only want someone I can spill my soul to and there would be no judgement only understanding.   

Understanding the lyrics

True

We are truly alone

I can't speak for everyone but I do feel alone. I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I don't want to burden anyone and I don't think anyone would understand. So day after day I have my thoughts and they have no where to go, so I suppose they can go here.

So if the life expectancy for a woman in the USA is 86.4, I'm passed middle age and that doesn't bother me as much as that I don't much to show for it. Growing up people always said I had potential to do great things in life. I never had the ambition or courage to do what I wanted to do. Now that I'm close to turning 46, I feel even less ambition. If the world ended today I'd be happy about it. 

I don't know how to get passed the pain of what has occurred in my life. I don't know how to fix what I have broken. I don't know to move forward and make improvements in my life. My failures as a mother, a wife, and a person overwhelm me.

My thoughts....my thoughts don't allow me enjoy life but that's nothing new. As a child I was also overwhelmed with my thoughts. My dad would advise me to make my mind go blank, but I never could, I never could and I still can't. My thoughts are eating up alive.

I don't think anyone knows because I am very good at putting up a front. At work I receive comments that I am a very happy person but what they don't see is that I'm dying inside. I am a such a good actress that I even fool myself. 

Sad

Will I ever get over my sadness? The misery I feel is unbareable. People around me would never know it because I don't show it. Is it just me, my illness, or am I just weak? Is this what my

Mom felt? If she did, then she died of sadness not of cancer. 

I know I should move forward and in a way I am moving forward. But I'm dragging along the way. 

I wish I could have been born with a different personality, without a mental illness. Maybe my life would have been so different. Maybe. 

For now I need to learn to let go, get over things in my life. 

Spinning round and round

Everything spins and repeats in my head. I don't ever forgive myself, it repeats over and over in my head and in my dreams. My whole life, my mother made me believe that I had special powers but in reality it was an anxiety disorder. She made me and people around us believe when I felt anxious it meant something was going to happen that I could see the future. I believed it and my sisters believed it. By coincidence sometimes something would happen so it engraved in my heart and in my head that I knew what was  going to happen in the future, but I was really experiencing anxiety attack.So now that I know better, how do I fix it?

I believe because I do have strength in me, I am not in a mental hospital. When I watch TV and see a character with schizophrenia, I can relate. I understand what that character is feeling. I recently attended an outpatient clinic for mental illness and it all made sense to me. Everything I learned and the stories I had heard from people I totally understood. It was a release for me to understand why I've wanted to shave my hair or run down the street screaming. It was not my mother's fault I was not diagnoses earlier in my life, she didn't know better. Mental illness was a taboo in her generation and she was taught to tough it out.And she also needed help. She could have had a better life if she had gotten help.

There so many times I just want it all to stop. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting. I do remember as a child trying to explain myself to my dad and he would tell me to turn off my brain, to make it go blank and relax.  I couldn't do it then and I can't do it now.

Marisol