Some days

Sadness

Venting

I only want someone I can spill my soul to and there would be no judgement only understanding.   

Understanding the lyrics

True

We are truly alone

I can't speak for everyone but I do feel alone. I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I don't want to burden anyone and I don't think anyone would understand. So day after day I have my thoughts and they have no where to go, so I suppose they can go here.

So if the life expectancy for a woman in the USA is 86.4, I'm passed middle age and that doesn't bother me as much as that I don't much to show for it. Growing up people always said I had potential to do great things in life. I never had the ambition or courage to do what I wanted to do. Now that I'm close to turning 46, I feel even less ambition. If the world ended today I'd be happy about it. 

I don't know how to get passed the pain of what has occurred in my life. I don't know how to fix what I have broken. I don't know to move forward and make improvements in my life. My failures as a mother, a wife, and a person overwhelm me.

My thoughts....my thoughts don't allow me enjoy life but that's nothing new. As a child I was also overwhelmed with my thoughts. My dad would advise me to make my mind go blank, but I never could, I never could and I still can't. My thoughts are eating up alive.

I don't think anyone knows because I am very good at putting up a front. At work I receive comments that I am a very happy person but what they don't see is that I'm dying inside. I am a such a good actress that I even fool myself. 

Sad

Will I ever get over my sadness? The misery I feel is unbareable. People around me would never know it because I don't show it. Is it just me, my illness, or am I just weak? Is this what my

Mom felt? If she did, then she died of sadness not of cancer. 

I know I should move forward and in a way I am moving forward. But I'm dragging along the way. 

I wish I could have been born with a different personality, without a mental illness. Maybe my life would have been so different. Maybe. 

For now I need to learn to let go, get over things in my life.