La Familia

I miss my family. I miss my sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, and uncles. I miss the closeness and energy an extended family provides. The laughter, hugs, and tears that make us who we are today, I miss it so much.

"We're too busy. We just don't have time." Those are the common excuses. How about, "I'm just too tired." Or "I have a lot do." To me, all those excuses are BS. We ALL make time for the things we want to do. We ALL make time for the people we want to see.

Family has always been very important to me. Even as a teenager and young adult, I made the time to see my sisters and my nieces and nephews. I attended plays, sports events, band converts, and picked up the little ones from school. I would rather be with my family than my friends. Even after I married I completely made my husband's family my own. I loved Big Grandma's house. I could spend the whole day there. I loved my family.

It's with all understanding that families grow and move away. It happens, life happens. Children make us busy with school and extracurricular events. We, as adults, we get busy with work. We are all getting pulled every which way. We spread ourselves thin. But we do it to ourselves. We work 50 to 60 hour weeks and place our children in 3 or more activities. There's "no time" for family dinners. Everyone eats on go or in their bedrooms. How about the technology that takes the little time we have left.

I have always taught my girls that if they wanted to see someone they should make the first attempt to get in touch. Otherwise it will never happen. But what happens when the other person doesn't make that same attempt; that person puts you in the backseat. What happens then? It breaks one's heart.

When we get invited to an event, a birthday party, a wedding, or a special occasion to make it our first priority to be there. Many years ago we were invited to five different parties in one day and because I believed never to RSVP with a "will not attend" we attend every single party. It was a hell of a day but I couldn't let anyone down.

Although I am very disappointed in my family, I know I cannot expect that they do what I would do. I cannot expect them to drop everything for me as I would do for them.

Footsteps

One day Nicole and I were talking about her mission trip to Juarez years ago. She spoke about the trip with love and excitement. I told her that I always thought she would go into missions. Nicole's response slapped me in the face. She said, "Mom, missionaries become missionaries because their parents were missionaries. And look where I come from." Wow, the truth surely does hurt.

The last thing I want is to pass my dysfunctional ways to my daughters the way it was passed on to me. But guess what, it seems it's been passed on.

I am living the life my mother led. I rarely remember my mom laughing but I knew that she wanted to laugh. She wanted to be adventurous and she wanted to be happy. That's how I feel I want to be happy but the strings of heartache pull me away. Just like my mom I can't seem to motivate myself for a better life. The hole I'm in is so deep I barely see the light up above me. 

When people are young we tend to say that we will not end up like our parents or do the the things our parents did, but we do. At least I have in many ways good and bad, I am my mom. And I hope that my girls will not be turn out to be me one day. 

Blood is thicker

Growing up I didn't know my father's side of the family. I thought it was a normal thing until I became a teenager then I realized it wasn't normal. Most children did know both sides of their families. It made me very sad, very sad that there are cousins, aunts, uncles, even brothers and sisters that I don't know.

When I got married I made it my first concern to make sure my girls had the chance to know all their family. They were going to know their father's side of the gaming. It was easy, they are a great family. Big Grandma's house was full of laughter and fun. It was something I never knew because I never had a grandma that wanted to be with her grandchildren. I fell in love with my new family.

Through the years there were ups and downs like any typical family but I always felt secure and part of the family. "Blood is thicker than water" didn't have any meaning for me because I was blood, or at least in my eyes I was blood not water.

Sixteen years into my marriage the worst thing that could happen happened. My husband walked out on his family. He walked out and didn't look back. My girls and I were crushed. Everyone around us was crushed. The support for my girls and I was incredible. As months went by the blood became thinner and thinner until water dripped out of my veins.

On the nights when I couldn't get myself off the floor, it was my sisters who came and lifted me up. When I had a bare cupboard my friends filled it up. When I had no comfort to give my girls, my dad made them laugh. The family I fell in love with was no longer there. Or maybe they never were there for me. Maybe I imagined the closeness because of the need to fill the hole I was missing growing up.