The Whole Me

Today I realized one of the reason I am so depressed. I don't know who I am.I don't think I have ever known. Growing up I was the one my mom depended on to take care of my younger sister and nephew. Around my friends I tend to be the quiet one and when I did participate I was the weird one. To my older sisters I was the baby sister and I was the spoiled one. My sister's friends call me the brat. Then I got married and I became Hector's wife and I was  there to support his needs and wants. My favorite one was Nicole and Tati's mom although I went from Mommy to Mom very quick. What was the hardest for me was the year Hector and I were separated, I was the left one, the one everyone felt sorry for, the one fighting for something that no one believed in but me. During that time I totally lost myself.

I often wonder how others see me. I've been described from charming to intimidating, from sweet to snobby. I guess I am all those things more or less but I still don't know who I am. I don't know my purpose. I can even identify myself in my career because I don't have one. I am the one who has had too many jobs to count. I am the one who didn't college. I am the mess up to put it mildly.

I am the with all the potential but it all went to waste.

Marisol

Some days

Sadness

Venting

I only want someone I can spill my soul to and there would be no judgement only understanding.   

Understanding the lyrics

True

We are truly alone

I can't speak for everyone but I do feel alone. I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I don't want to burden anyone and I don't think anyone would understand. So day after day I have my thoughts and they have no where to go, so I suppose they can go here.

So if the life expectancy for a woman in the USA is 86.4, I'm passed middle age and that doesn't bother me as much as that I don't much to show for it. Growing up people always said I had potential to do great things in life. I never had the ambition or courage to do what I wanted to do. Now that I'm close to turning 46, I feel even less ambition. If the world ended today I'd be happy about it. 

I don't know how to get passed the pain of what has occurred in my life. I don't know how to fix what I have broken. I don't know to move forward and make improvements in my life. My failures as a mother, a wife, and a person overwhelm me.

My thoughts....my thoughts don't allow me enjoy life but that's nothing new. As a child I was also overwhelmed with my thoughts. My dad would advise me to make my mind go blank, but I never could, I never could and I still can't. My thoughts are eating up alive.

I don't think anyone knows because I am very good at putting up a front. At work I receive comments that I am a very happy person but what they don't see is that I'm dying inside. I am a such a good actress that I even fool myself.