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I can't handle my own thoughts. 

I Knew

I knew. Deep in my soul I knew there was something wrong with my marriage. It was an overnight thing. I didn't see any clues, it was like one day everything was fine and the next day I knew. If I think about it today I can feel all the things I felt almost 6 years ago. I can feel the panic and the insecurities that I never felt being married to him. I didn't even feel this horrible feelings dating others before my marriage. I knew.

So I know he knew. People can't live together for years and not know what each other is doing. Women and men are so different and handle do things so differently that I didn't know the pain I caused because he kept going like nothing happened. I guess that's what I am doing, going on but inside I am dying. I know people use the word dying very care free but I truly believe that everyday my soul cracks a little and one day there will no soul left.

Past good or bad

I had a great week-end and as I write I feel content. At the same time I feel afraid because my feelings of happiness are short lived. Yesterday I spend the evening with my elementary friends from 33 years ago, yes I said 33 years ago, how crazy is that? Every time I spend time with them it takes me back, it feels like time stopped and it's a great feeling. In this situation past memories are an awesome thing!!

I'm not Ok

My head feels like it's going to explode. There is no much pressure that it's going to begin to ooze out. I laugh, I smile, and I talk, I talk a lot so it seems like I'm OK. But I'm not, I"m not okay. And if this is what you felt many years ago, I am so sorry because the torment is unbearable. Maybe it's just me, my way of thinking, my personality, or my mental issues but I can't take it. I have never in my life felt so unhappy that way I feel now. I don't know whether to run or just sleep. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

I wish I had someone I could pour my heart out to but I don't. I don't think anyone has that one person because it truly is a burden to hear the pain of another. We are understanding human beings. We are arrogant and selfish, myself included. Humans are hateful creatures. And I know I am generalizing but just how I feel. Maybe it's Americans, maybe people from other countries are more understanding to their fellow human being's pain. Whatever it is, we are all alone in this great big planet we call home.

Almost six years ago when all this began friends would tell me, "Time will heal" here I am still waiting on time to heal because my wounds are still open. The person who is supposed to help close the wounds isn't available to operate. What happens now? What happens when there is no one there to help close the wound, it gets infected. Infections cause more pain than the actual wound. So this where I am at almost six  years later with an open infected wound. And see no sign of relief.

Marisol

Si o No

I'm so easily frustrated on my own. Do I take my meds and be numb or not take them and feel everything?!?!?!?

Why is my wound still opened?