Green-Eyed Monster

Two weeks ago, my family and I attended a cook-out with my high school friends. Some of them I had not seen in over 25 years but the minute I stood among them the shy little girl came out. I love my friends and I love that many of them I've known since kindergarten but all the insecurities suddenly rendered me motionless. As I stood in the kitchen listening to everyone talk, I was thrown back in time. I was always the quiet one wishing in my heart that I could be funny one, the popular one, the athletic one, or the beautiful one. I remember being the silly or weird one, because that was who they saw me as, I embraced weirdness and that's who I became. 

My low self esteem is what created the jealousy in me, as it does to many young ladies. It grew as I became a teenager and a young adult. It was what kept me from smiling or shining. I never felt good enough for my friends, my family, or even myself. As I started dating that monster grew into a terrifying giant. My insecurities drove me to my madness. It caused me to lose friendships and relationships. 

In 1992, I began working for the YWCA after-school program, that is where I met my husband, Hector. After we were introduced our friendship began and he made me feel confident and beautiful, no one had ever made me feel that way. Our conversations would last for hours but it seemed like only minutes. He could make me laugh like no other. From our friendship a romance blossomed, and that was like a fairy tale. Hector was the one person who had managed to kill that green-eye monster. I never doubted his love, his loyalty, and his strength. 

Now here we are 21 years later, our marriage has had it's ups and downs just like any other marriage. He continues to make me laugh and he is the by all means the head of our family. But because of some of the bad times in our marriage and maybe because I'm getting older that monster is back and I do not have the strength to fight him off. I am back to the being the shy little girl.

What I have come to realize is that I can not depend on my friends, my family, and my husband to fight that green-eyed monster for me. So put up your dukes, I'm ready for you.