Why I spoke out.

How do I deal with my emotions? How do I deal with something I've never known how to deal with? I don't know how to cope with life I never have until early this year when I was admitted to an outpatient clinic. All my life I have felt like I was going out of my mind even as a child. I have always felt different and I have never known why. I have always reacted and never thought of the consequences which hurt me in different ways in many areas of my life.

I have seen counselors, therapists, and even psychiatrists but they all diagnosed me with depression. Maybe I didn't open up enough with my past till now, so I don't blame them. I do wish  there would have been a diagnosis earlier in my life. Some people tell me I'm brave for opening up, but I am not. I only want people to know why I am the way I am. I am not using my diagnosis as an excuse for my bad actions, I only want understanding for what I have done in my past. I do deeply apologize for all the people I have hurt in my past. It is not an excuse it is a reason.

Knowing who I am has helped me understand my actions and it will help me not make the same mistakes. It will help me not cure me. I hope everyone that knows me will also understand and forgive me for my past mistakes.

My therapist told me to embrace because many famous people have been diagnosed with the same mental illness. I do not want to embrace it. I only want an explanation for my weirdness and why I have always felt different and alone. He also told me that people would not understand and I would be judged. If that is true, it's okay because it has given me a reason not to give up. There are many times in my life when I've wanted to fall asleep and never wake up because the pain of being me is just too much to handle.

If you have the same symptoms please go get help, it's the only way to get better.

Marisol