Understanding the lyrics

True

We are truly alone

I can't speak for everyone but I do feel alone. I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I don't want to burden anyone and I don't think anyone would understand. So day after day I have my thoughts and they have no where to go, so I suppose they can go here.

So if the life expectancy for a woman in the USA is 86.4, I'm passed middle age and that doesn't bother me as much as that I don't much to show for it. Growing up people always said I had potential to do great things in life. I never had the ambition or courage to do what I wanted to do. Now that I'm close to turning 46, I feel even less ambition. If the world ended today I'd be happy about it. 

I don't know how to get passed the pain of what has occurred in my life. I don't know how to fix what I have broken. I don't know to move forward and make improvements in my life. My failures as a mother, a wife, and a person overwhelm me.

My thoughts....my thoughts don't allow me enjoy life but that's nothing new. As a child I was also overwhelmed with my thoughts. My dad would advise me to make my mind go blank, but I never could, I never could and I still can't. My thoughts are eating up alive.

I don't think anyone knows because I am very good at putting up a front. At work I receive comments that I am a very happy person but what they don't see is that I'm dying inside. I am a such a good actress that I even fool myself. 

Sad

Will I ever get over my sadness? The misery I feel is unbareable. People around me would never know it because I don't show it. Is it just me, my illness, or am I just weak? Is this what my

Mom felt? If she did, then she died of sadness not of cancer. 

I know I should move forward and in a way I am moving forward. But I'm dragging along the way. 

I wish I could have been born with a different personality, without a mental illness. Maybe my life would have been so different. Maybe. 

For now I need to learn to let go, get over things in my life. 

Spinning round and round

Everything spins and repeats in my head. I don't ever forgive myself, it repeats over and over in my head and in my dreams. My whole life, my mother made me believe that I had special powers but in reality it was an anxiety disorder. She made me and people around us believe when I felt anxious it meant something was going to happen that I could see the future. I believed it and my sisters believed it. By coincidence sometimes something would happen so it engraved in my heart and in my head that I knew what was  going to happen in the future, but I was really experiencing anxiety attack.So now that I know better, how do I fix it?

I believe because I do have strength in me, I am not in a mental hospital. When I watch TV and see a character with schizophrenia, I can relate. I understand what that character is feeling. I recently attended an outpatient clinic for mental illness and it all made sense to me. Everything I learned and the stories I had heard from people I totally understood. It was a release for me to understand why I've wanted to shave my hair or run down the street screaming. It was not my mother's fault I was not diagnoses earlier in my life, she didn't know better. Mental illness was a taboo in her generation and she was taught to tough it out.And she also needed help. She could have had a better life if she had gotten help.

There so many times I just want it all to stop. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting. I do remember as a child trying to explain myself to my dad and he would tell me to turn off my brain, to make it go blank and relax.  I couldn't do it then and I can't do it now.

Marisol

We are all the same

We are all the same. As I watch Grey's Anatomy or listen to the music of Pink, we all have the same pain, the same anger, the same fears, and the same joy. It only happens to us at different times in our life and in different ways but we are all the same.

There is a scene in Grey's Anatomy season 3 after Denny Duquette dies and Lizzy lays still almost lifeless on the bathroom floor. I can relate to that scene. Five years ago the floor was my comfort, I don't know but it was. The floor was only thing that could calm me down. When we are going through trials we assume it's only happening to us, but in reality it's happening to all of us at one time or another. At one time or another we are all lifeless.

There are some life experiences that we do experience alone.There are things my friends' have gone through that I had not and vise-versa. But we can all understand each other's pain. Pain is something we all have in common and sometimes it takes for to share the same experience in order to show compassion and is not right but it's human.

Laughter is something we all seem to want to share. We love love to laugh and we all crave to be happy. Happiness is something that I have never been. I have had happy moments in my life but to say that I am happy would be a lie. I do love to laugh and I hope to do more of it in my future.

Marisol

Why I spoke out.

How do I deal with my emotions? How do I deal with something I've never known how to deal with? I don't know how to cope with life I never have until early this year when I was admitted to an outpatient clinic. All my life I have felt like I was going out of my mind even as a child. I have always felt different and I have never known why. I have always reacted and never thought of the consequences which hurt me in different ways in many areas of my life.

I have seen counselors, therapists, and even psychiatrists but they all diagnosed me with depression. Maybe I didn't open up enough with my past till now, so I don't blame them. I do wish  there would have been a diagnosis earlier in my life. Some people tell me I'm brave for opening up, but I am not. I only want people to know why I am the way I am. I am not using my diagnosis as an excuse for my bad actions, I only want understanding for what I have done in my past. I do deeply apologize for all the people I have hurt in my past. It is not an excuse it is a reason.

Knowing who I am has helped me understand my actions and it will help me not make the same mistakes. It will help me not cure me. I hope everyone that knows me will also understand and forgive me for my past mistakes.

My therapist told me to embrace because many famous people have been diagnosed with the same mental illness. I do not want to embrace it. I only want an explanation for my weirdness and why I have always felt different and alone. He also told me that people would not understand and I would be judged. If that is true, it's okay because it has given me a reason not to give up. There are many times in my life when I've wanted to fall asleep and never wake up because the pain of being me is just too much to handle.

If you have the same symptoms please go get help, it's the only way to get better.

Marisol