Monday, May 5, 2014

This is who I am.




  • Intense mood swings 
  • Harmful, impulsive behaviors. These may include things like substance abuse, binge eating, out-of-  control spending, risky sexual behavior, and reckless driving.
  • Relationship problems. You may see others as either "good" or "bad" and may shift from one view to   the other suddenly, for minor reasons. This can make relationships very difficult.
  • Low self-worth
  • Frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned). This fear may lead to frantic attempts to hold on to those   around you. Or it mat cause you to reject others. 
  • Aggressive behavior. 
  • Feeling empty inside.
  • Problems with anger, such as violent temper tantrums
  • Hurting yourself, such as cutting or burning yourself.
  • Suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts.
  • Times when you feel paranoid or lose a sense of reality (psychosis).


  • Euphoria
  • Inflated self-esteem
  • Poor judgment
  • Rapid speech
  • Racing thoughts
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Agitation or irritation
  • Increased physical activity
  • Risky behavior
  • Spending sprees or unwise financial choices
  • Increased drive to perform or achieve goals
  • Increased sex drive
  • Decreased need for sleep
  • Easily distracted
  • Careless or dangerous use of drugs or alcohol
  • Frequent absences from work or school
  • Delusions or a break from reality (psychosis)
  • Poor performance at work or school
  • Sadness
  • Hopelessness
  • Suicidal thoughts or behavior
  • Anxiety
  • Guilt
  • Sleep problems
  • Low appetite or increased appetite
  • Fatigue
  • Loss of interest in activities once considered enjoyable
  • Problems concentrating
  • Irritability
  • Chronic pain without a known cause
  • Frequent absences from work or school

A temperament characterized by excessive ambition, aggression, competitiveness, drive,  impatience,need for control focus on quantity over quality and unrealistic sense of urgency. 
People who suffer from an addictive personality spend excessive time on a behavior or with an item, not as a hobby but because they feel like they have to. 
Addiction can be defined when the engagement in the activity or experience affects the person’s quality of life in some way. In this way, many people who maintain an addictive personality isolate themselves from social situations in order to mask their addiction.
People that face this issue are currently defined to have a "brain disease". People who experience addictive personality disorders typically act on impulses and cannot deal with delayed gratification. At the same time, people with this type of personality tend to believe that they do not fit into societal norms and therefore, acting on impulse deviate from conformity to rebel.
People with addictive personalities are very sensitive to emotional stress. They have trouble handling situations that they deem frustrating, even if the event is for a very short duration. The combination of low self-esteem, impulsivity and low tolerance for stress causes these individuals to have frequent mood swings and often suffer from some sort of depression, A coping mechanism to deal with their conflicting personality becomes their addiction and the addiction acts as something that the person can control when they find it difficult to control their personality traits.
People with addictive personalities typically switch from one addiction to the next. These individuals may show impulsive behavior such as excessive caffeine consumption, Internet use, eating chocolate or other sugar-laden foods, television watching, or even running.
They wish to fit in, hence they are very easily influenced by others. Likewise, those who have low self-esteem also seek peer approval; therefore, they participate in "attractive" activities such as smoking or drinking to try to fit in.
They find it difficult to face stressful situations and fight hard to get out of such conditions. Long-term goals prove difficult to achieve because people with addictive personalities usually focus on the stress that comes with getting through the short-term goals.Such personalities will often switch to other enjoyable activities the moment that they are deprived of enjoyment in their previous addiction.
They constantly seek approval of others and as a result, these misunderstandings may contribute to the destruction of relationships. People suffering from addictive personality disorder usually undergo depression and anxiety, managing their emotions by developing addiction to alcohol, other types of drugs, or other pleasurable activities.
People with very severe personality disorders are more likely to become addicts. Addictive substances usually stop primary and secondary neuroses, meaning people with personality disorders like the relief from their pain.


Who are you?

Marisol

Monday, April 14, 2014

Truly Evil

One of favorite programs is Snapped on Oxygen. I also like to watch shows on Investigation Discovery. I am obsessed with programs that had to do with murder. My mind can not understand the evil that each of us carry inside of us.I say "us" because we are all human beings capable of the same thing. "Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me." -Psalms 51:5 I keep watching thinking that maybe something will click and I will understand why, why are humans so evil. We can tune into the History Channel and see all the past evil in this world. It is mind-boggling. 

If you follow my other blog, you know I am a Bible-believer, but last few years I have had many questions. Questions I've never had before in my entire life. There are so many things I don't understand and evil is a big one. I was taught that we were created to have fellowship with God. If that is true, why would be born into sin? In the past God's actions made sense to me and I know I am no one to question Him, but now....now I'm not sure.

Have you seen the new show on FX called the The Bridge? It's the show based in the El Paso/Juarez area about the drug cartels. That show makes me afraid to leave my home not only because I live in El Paso but because of the evilness of the characters based on the actions of real people. Who has the stomach to do such evil on their fellow human beings? I know it has happened since the beginning of time when Cain killed Abel, but why?

Marisol

Friday, March 21, 2014

Death

Death was the most frightening thing in the world. There were times in my life when the thought of death petrified me. It petrified most of us. Then I surrounded my world with Jesus and death seemed peaceful and a place of joy. Now death just means the end of pain or does it?

I have been in a place of constant pain emotional pain and physical pain. I don't know how to let things go or to forgive therefore I am hurting myself. People ask me why do you want to live that way? I don't want to live in pain, who does? I don't remember a day in life where I felt pure happiness not even as a child. My mind has always felt foggy and dark.I look at childhood pictures and there is never a smile on my face. Was I meant to carry pain?

A few weeks ago I said to my husband, if death comes to me soon I'm ready. He didn't want to hear it, why because it frightened him? Does he not to be without me? Or is he afraid of what's on the other side? I am not afraid of death and I welcome it as it comes knocking on my door.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

Hope

The one word I have never understood is HOPE. My mind can not comprehend it. I am hoping things will get better, what if they don't. I am hoping my girls will be successful, what if they suffer? I am hoping I will be happy, but I am not. 

Hearing the word hope makes me cringe because I don't see hope in my life and I don't think I ever have seen it. Although my parents loved us very much, I don't why my heart has always been filled with sadness. Now my sadness is from my own life, my own mistakes, and my own tragedies. 

Will I ever understand hope? Will I ever see it in my life? 

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

What if

What if I truly honored my parents. What if I was a good girl. What if I waited till i got married. What if didn't lie. What if I finished college? What if I was strict with my girls, if I had continued their piano lessons, track, cheerleading? What if I had raised them different? What if...

I can't seem to let go of the what if's. It's consuming me, consuming my thoughts and my mind s gonna explode. How do I fix it? How do I get out of bed and move forward?

What if my mom had lived? What if we had tried harder to save her life? What if her presence had made an impression on the life of my girls and on our marriage?

The love of a mother never dies and I believe it because not a day goes by that I don't think of her, that I don't miss her. I didn't know how much I loved her till i became a mother and I'm not sure if I ever told her, if she ever knew that she was my world.

What if the bond was never broken? What if we lived happily ever after? What if you still looked at me like you looked at me the first day we met? What if all our dreams came true? What if fairy tales were true? What if I still had butterflies every time I heard your name?

What if you still loved me?

Thursday, October 24, 2013

La Familia

I miss my family. I miss my sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins, aunts, and uncles. I miss the closeness and energy an extended family provides. The laughter, hugs, and tears that make us who we are today, I miss it so much.

"We're too busy. We just don't have time." Those are the common excuses. How about, "I'm just too tired." Or "I have a lot do." To me, all those excuses are BS. We ALL make time for the things we want to do. We ALL make time for the people we want to see.

Family has always been very important to me. Even as a teenager and young adult, I made the time to see my sisters and my nieces and nephews. I attended plays, sports events, band converts, and picked up the little ones from school. I would rather be with my family than my friends. Even after I married I completely made my husband's family my own. I loved Big Grandma's house. I could spend the whole day there. I loved my family.

It's with all understanding that families grow and move away. It happens, life happens. Children make us busy with school and extracurricular events. We, as adults, we get busy with work. We are all getting pulled every which way. We spread ourselves thin. But we do it to ourselves. We work 50 to 60 hour weeks and place our children in 3 or more activities. There's "no time" for family dinners. Everyone eats on go or in their bedrooms. How about the technology that takes the little time we have left.

I have always taught my girls that if they wanted to see someone they should make the first attempt to get in touch. Otherwise it will never happen. But what happens when the other person doesn't make that same attempt; that person puts you in the backseat. What happens then? It breaks one's heart.

When we get invited to an event, a birthday party, a wedding, or a special occasion to make it our first priority to be there. Many years ago we were invited to five different parties in one day and because I believed never to RSVP with a "will not attend" we attend every single party. It was a hell of a day but I couldn't let anyone down.

Although I am very disappointed in my family, I know I cannot expect that they do what I would do. I cannot expect them to drop everything for me as I would do for them.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Footsteps

One day Nicole and I were talking about her mission trip to Juarez years ago. She spoke about the trip with love and excitement. I told her that I always thought she would go into missions. Nicole's response slapped me in the face. She said, "Mom, missionaries become missionaries because their parents were missionaries. And look where I come from." Wow, the truth surely does hurt.

The last thing I want is to pass my dysfunctional ways to my daughters the way it was passed on to me. But guess what, it seems it's been passed on.

I am living the life my mother led. I rarely remember my mom laughing but I knew that she wanted to laugh. She wanted to be adventurous and she wanted to be happy. That's how I feel I want to be happy but the strings of heartache pull me away. Just like my mom I can't seem to motivate myself for a better life. The hole I'm in is so deep I barely see the light up above me. 

When people are young we tend to say that we will not end up like our parents or do the the things our parents did, but we do. At least I have in many ways good and bad, I am my mom. And I hope that my girls will not be turn out to be me one day.