Sad

Will I ever get over my sadness? The misery I feel is unbareable. People around me would never know it because I don't show it. Is it just me, my illness, or am I just weak? Is this what my

Mom felt? If she did, then she died of sadness not of cancer. 

I know I should move forward and in a way I am moving forward. But I'm dragging along the way. 

I wish I could have been born with a different personality, without a mental illness. Maybe my life would have been so different. Maybe. 

For now I need to learn to let go, get over things in my life. 

Spinning round and round

Everything spins and repeats in my head. I don't ever forgive myself, it repeats over and over in my head and in my dreams. My whole life, my mother made me believe that I had special powers but in reality it was an anxiety disorder. She made me and people around us believe when I felt anxious it meant something was going to happen that I could see the future. I believed it and my sisters believed it. By coincidence sometimes something would happen so it engraved in my heart and in my head that I knew what was  going to happen in the future, but I was really experiencing anxiety attack.So now that I know better, how do I fix it?

I believe because I do have strength in me, I am not in a mental hospital. When I watch TV and see a character with schizophrenia, I can relate. I understand what that character is feeling. I recently attended an outpatient clinic for mental illness and it all made sense to me. Everything I learned and the stories I had heard from people I totally understood. It was a release for me to understand why I've wanted to shave my hair or run down the street screaming. It was not my mother's fault I was not diagnoses earlier in my life, she didn't know better. Mental illness was a taboo in her generation and she was taught to tough it out.And she also needed help. She could have had a better life if she had gotten help.

There so many times I just want it all to stop. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting. I do remember as a child trying to explain myself to my dad and he would tell me to turn off my brain, to make it go blank and relax.  I couldn't do it then and I can't do it now.

Marisol

We are all the same

We are all the same. As I watch Grey's Anatomy or listen to the music of Pink, we all have the same pain, the same anger, the same fears, and the same joy. It only happens to us at different times in our life and in different ways but we are all the same.

There is a scene in Grey's Anatomy season 3 after Denny Duquette dies and Lizzy lays still almost lifeless on the bathroom floor. I can relate to that scene. Five years ago the floor was my comfort, I don't know but it was. The floor was only thing that could calm me down. When we are going through trials we assume it's only happening to us, but in reality it's happening to all of us at one time or another. At one time or another we are all lifeless.

There are some life experiences that we do experience alone.There are things my friends' have gone through that I had not and vise-versa. But we can all understand each other's pain. Pain is something we all have in common and sometimes it takes for to share the same experience in order to show compassion and is not right but it's human.

Laughter is something we all seem to want to share. We love love to laugh and we all crave to be happy. Happiness is something that I have never been. I have had happy moments in my life but to say that I am happy would be a lie. I do love to laugh and I hope to do more of it in my future.

Marisol

Why I spoke out.

How do I deal with my emotions? How do I deal with something I've never known how to deal with? I don't know how to cope with life I never have until early this year when I was admitted to an outpatient clinic. All my life I have felt like I was going out of my mind even as a child. I have always felt different and I have never known why. I have always reacted and never thought of the consequences which hurt me in different ways in many areas of my life.

I have seen counselors, therapists, and even psychiatrists but they all diagnosed me with depression. Maybe I didn't open up enough with my past till now, so I don't blame them. I do wish  there would have been a diagnosis earlier in my life. Some people tell me I'm brave for opening up, but I am not. I only want people to know why I am the way I am. I am not using my diagnosis as an excuse for my bad actions, I only want understanding for what I have done in my past. I do deeply apologize for all the people I have hurt in my past. It is not an excuse it is a reason.

Knowing who I am has helped me understand my actions and it will help me not make the same mistakes. It will help me not cure me. I hope everyone that knows me will also understand and forgive me for my past mistakes.

My therapist told me to embrace because many famous people have been diagnosed with the same mental illness. I do not want to embrace it. I only want an explanation for my weirdness and why I have always felt different and alone. He also told me that people would not understand and I would be judged. If that is true, it's okay because it has given me a reason not to give up. There are many times in my life when I've wanted to fall asleep and never wake up because the pain of being me is just too much to handle.

If you have the same symptoms please go get help, it's the only way to get better.

Marisol

This is who I am.

• Intense mood swings 
• Harmful, impulsive behaviors. These may include things like substance abuse, binge eating, out-of-  control spending, risky sexual behavior, and reckless driving.
• Relationship problems. You may see others as either "good" or "bad" and may shift from one view to   the other suddenly, for minor reasons. This can make relationships very difficult.
• Low self-worth
• Frantic fear of being left alone (abandoned). This fear may lead to frantic attempts to hold on to those   around you. Or it mat cause you to reject others. 
• Aggressive behavior. 
• Feeling empty inside.
• Problems with anger, such as violent temper tantrums
• Hurting yourself, such as cutting or burning yourself.
• Suicide attempts and suicidal thoughts.
• Times when you feel paranoid or lose a sense of reality (psychosis).

• Euphoria
• Inflated self-esteem
• Poor judgment
• Rapid speech
• Racing thoughts
• Aggressive behavior
• Agitation or irritation
• Increased physical activity
• Risky behavior
• Spending sprees or unwise financial choices
• Increased drive to perform or achieve goals
• Increased sex drive
• Decreased need for sleep
• Easily distracted
• Careless or dangerous use of drugs or alcohol
• Frequent absences from work or school
• Delusions or a break from reality (psychosis)
• Poor performance at work or school

• Sadness
• Hopelessness
• Suicidal thoughts or behavior
• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Sleep problems
• Low appetite or increased appetite
• Fatigue
• Loss of interest in activities once considered enjoyable
• Problems concentrating
• Irritability
• Chronic pain without a known cause
• Frequent absences from work or school

A temperament characterized by excessive ambition, aggression, competitiveness, drive,  impatience,need for control,  focus on quantity over quality and unrealistic sense of urgency. 

People who suffer from an addictive personality spend excessive time on a behavior or with an item, not as a hobby but because they feel like they have to. 

Addiction can be defined when the engagement in the activity or experience affects the person’s quality of life in some way. In this way, many people who maintain an addictive personality isolate themselves from social situations in order to mask their addiction.

People that face this issue are currently defined to have a "brain disease". People who experience addictive personality disorders typically act on impulses and cannot deal with delayed gratification. At the same time, people with this type of personality tend to believe that they do not fit into societal norms and therefore, acting on impulse deviate from conformity to rebel.

People with addictive personalities are very sensitive to emotional stress. They have trouble handling situations that they deem frustrating, even if the event is for a very short duration. The combination of low self-esteem, impulsivity and low tolerance for stress causes these individuals to have frequent mood swings and often suffer from some sort of depression, A coping mechanism to deal with their conflicting personality becomes their addiction and the addiction acts as something that the person can control when they find it difficult to control their personality traits.

People with addictive personalities typically switch from one addiction to the next. These individuals may show impulsive behavior such as excessive caffeine consumption, Internet use, eating chocolate or other sugar-laden foods, television watching, or even running.

They wish to fit in, hence they are very easily influenced by others. Likewise, those who have low self-esteem also seek peer approval; therefore, they participate in "attractive" activities such as smoking or drinking to try to fit in.

They find it difficult to face stressful situations and fight hard to get out of such conditions. Long-term goals prove difficult to achieve because people with addictive personalities usually focus on the stress that comes with getting through the short-term goals.Such personalities will often switch to other enjoyable activities the moment that they are deprived of enjoyment in their previous addiction.

They constantly seek approval of others and as a result, these misunderstandings may contribute to the destruction of relationships. People suffering from addictive personality disorder usually undergo depression and anxiety, managing their emotions by developing addiction to alcohol, other types of drugs, or other pleasurable activities.

People with very severe personality disorders are more likely to become addicts. Addictive substances usually stop primary and secondary neuroses, meaning people with personality disorders like the relief from their pain.

Who are you?

Marisol

Truly Evil

One of favorite programs is Snapped on Oxygen. I also like to watch shows on Investigation Discovery. I am obsessed with programs that had to do with murder. My mind can not understand the evil that each of us carry inside of us.I say "us" because we are all human beings capable of the same thing. "Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me." -Psalms 51:5 I keep watching thinking that maybe something will click and I will understand why, why are humans so evil. We can tune into the History Channel and see all the past evil in this world. It is mind-boggling. 

If you follow my other blog, you know I am a Bible-believer, but last few years I have had many questions. Questions I've never had before in my entire life. There are so many things I don't understand and evil is a big one. I was taught that we were created to have fellowship with God. If that is true, why would be born into sin? In the past God's actions made sense to me and I know I am no one to question Him, but now....now I'm not sure.

Have you seen the new show on FX called the The Bridge? It's the show based in the El Paso/Juarez area about the drug cartels. That show makes me afraid to leave my home not only because I live in El Paso but because of the evilness of the characters based on the actions of real people. Who has the stomach to do such evil on their fellow human beings? I know it has happened since the beginning of time when Cain killed Abel, but why?

Marisol

Death

Death was the most frightening thing in the world. There were times in my life when the thought of death petrified me. It petrified most of us. Then I surrounded my world with Jesus and death seemed peaceful and a place of joy. Now death just means the end of pain or does it?

I have been in a place of constant pain emotional pain and physical pain. I don't know how to let things go or to forgive therefore I am hurting myself. People ask me why do you want to live that way? I don't want to live in pain, who does? I don't remember a day in life where I felt pure happiness not even as a child. My mind has always felt foggy and dark.I look at childhood pictures and there is never a smile on my face. Was I meant to carry pain?

A few weeks ago I said to my husband, if death comes to me soon I'm ready. He didn't want to hear it, why because it frightened him? Does he not to be without me? Or is he afraid of what's on the other side? I am not afraid of death and I welcome it as it comes knocking on my door.

Hope

The one word I have never understood is HOPE. My mind can not comprehend it. I am hoping things will get better, what if they don't. I am hoping my girls will be successful, what if they suffer? I am hoping I will be happy, but I am not. 

Hearing the word hope makes me cringe because I don't see hope in my life and I don't think I ever have seen it. Although my parents loved us very much, I don't why my heart has always been filled with sadness. Now my sadness is from my own life, my own mistakes, and my own tragedies. 

Will I ever understand hope? Will I ever see it in my life?