I Knew

I knew. Deep in my soul I knew there was something wrong with my marriage. It was an overnight thing. I didn't see any clues, it was like one day everything was fine and the next day I knew. If I think about it today I can feel all the things I felt almost 6 years ago. I can feel the panic and the insecurities that I never felt being married to him. I didn't even feel this horrible feelings dating others before my marriage. I knew.

So I know he knew. People can't live together for years and not know what each other is doing. Women and men are so different and handle do things so differently that I didn't know the pain I caused because he kept going like nothing happened. I guess that's what I am doing, going on but inside I am dying. I know people use the word dying very care free but I truly believe that everyday my soul cracks a little and one day there will no soul left.

Past good or bad

I had a great week-end and as I write I feel content. At the same time I feel afraid because my feelings of happiness are short lived. Yesterday I spend the evening with my elementary friends from 33 years ago, yes I said 33 years ago, how crazy is that? Every time I spend time with them it takes me back, it feels like time stopped and it's a great feeling. In this situation past memories are an awesome thing!!

I'm not Ok

My head feels like it's going to explode. There is no much pressure that it's going to begin to ooze out. I laugh, I smile, and I talk, I talk a lot so it seems like I'm OK. But I'm not, I"m not okay. And if this is what you felt many years ago, I am so sorry because the torment is unbearable. Maybe it's just me, my way of thinking, my personality, or my mental issues but I can't take it. I have never in my life felt so unhappy that way I feel now. I don't know whether to run or just sleep. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

I wish I had someone I could pour my heart out to but I don't. I don't think anyone has that one person because it truly is a burden to hear the pain of another. We are understanding human beings. We are arrogant and selfish, myself included. Humans are hateful creatures. And I know I am generalizing but just how I feel. Maybe it's Americans, maybe people from other countries are more understanding to their fellow human being's pain. Whatever it is, we are all alone in this great big planet we call home.

Almost six years ago when all this began friends would tell me, "Time will heal" here I am still waiting on time to heal because my wounds are still open. The person who is supposed to help close the wounds isn't available to operate. What happens now? What happens when there is no one there to help close the wound, it gets infected. Infections cause more pain than the actual wound. So this where I am at almost six  years later with an open infected wound. And see no sign of relief.

Marisol

Si o No

I'm so easily frustrated on my own. Do I take my meds and be numb or not take them and feel everything?!?!?!?

Why is my wound still opened?

Torture

I torture myself over things that can't be changed. I guess I shouldn't use the word torture, but I don't what other word to use. I will never be happy. I can not forgive. I can not let go. I feel nothing.


I remember at mom's funeral many relatives coming up to us and letting us know how much my mom loved us. I know that she did and I know why she did, because we were her only feelings left. She only cared about us, her daughters. I know that because that is how I feel. All my energy goes to my daughters, the little love that I have is only for them. They have become my everything.


As parents our children shouldn't be our everything, they should be a piece of hearts but not our whole heart. Our heart should belong to spouse, but when it doesn't it has to be filled with something else and that is where our children come in and fill it up. I know understand that is what I mom did, my mom lived for us as I live for my children, without them I would have no reason to get up in the morning and in a way that is sad.  Not sad because I have them but sad because I have no other reasons and we should all have other reasons.


I don't how to change the way I feel. I don't know how to wake up and be excited about life, about my life, about living. So maybe torture is the correct word for me.


Marisol

Dexter

I recently started watching the TV Series, Dexter. I usually only stick to comedies that 30 minutes long because of my short attention span but I have made some exceptions and Dexter is one of them. It is a horror of  a series which is up my alley because I am addicted to watching shows on the ID channel which has to do with real life killings. Although Dexter is a serial killer, I can identify with a lot of his personal thoughts. If you watch the show then you will understand this blog entry. I am only on the second season but I can already feel his personal pain. I could never understand the pain of losing a parent to murder but I can understand the pain of losing oneself. Dexter is lost in his pain as am I.

Dexter feels all alone after his foster father passes away because his father was the only one who knew his secret until he found out he had a brother who also knew his secret. His brother passed and Dexter once again was left alone in his pain, in his thoughts. Dexter there is no one out there who would understand and he hides like he was taught to hid. I guess in a way we are all taught to hid who we really are, we are taught to behave our Sunday best.

So who can we turn to? Who do we turn to when all we want to do is scream? All we want to do is run? All we want to do is punch? Who? Who would understand? And even if we can understand each other's pain, will we be sincere with sympathy? Or would we be narcissistic? Are we capable of understanding each other's pain? Or do we just put up a front for every to see, just like Dexter.

The Whole Me

Today I realized one of the reason I am so depressed. I don't know who I am.I don't think I have ever known. Growing up I was the one my mom depended on to take care of my younger sister and nephew. Around my friends I tend to be the quiet one and when I did participate I was the weird one. To my older sisters I was the baby sister and I was the spoiled one. My sister's friends call me the brat. Then I got married and I became Hector's wife and I was  there to support his needs and wants. My favorite one was Nicole and Tati's mom although I went from Mommy to Mom very quick. What was the hardest for me was the year Hector and I were separated, I was the left one, the one everyone felt sorry for, the one fighting for something that no one believed in but me. During that time I totally lost myself.

I often wonder how others see me. I've been described from charming to intimidating, from sweet to snobby. I guess I am all those things more or less but I still don't know who I am. I don't know my purpose. I can even identify myself in my career because I don't have one. I am the one who has had too many jobs to count. I am the one who didn't college. I am the mess up to put it mildly.

I am the with all the potential but it all went to waste.

Marisol

Some days

Sadness

Venting

I only want someone I can spill my soul to and there would be no judgement only understanding.   

Understanding the lyrics

True

We are truly alone

I can't speak for everyone but I do feel alone. I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I don't want to burden anyone and I don't think anyone would understand. So day after day I have my thoughts and they have no where to go, so I suppose they can go here.

So if the life expectancy for a woman in the USA is 86.4, I'm passed middle age and that doesn't bother me as much as that I don't much to show for it. Growing up people always said I had potential to do great things in life. I never had the ambition or courage to do what I wanted to do. Now that I'm close to turning 46, I feel even less ambition. If the world ended today I'd be happy about it. 

I don't know how to get passed the pain of what has occurred in my life. I don't know how to fix what I have broken. I don't know to move forward and make improvements in my life. My failures as a mother, a wife, and a person overwhelm me.

My thoughts....my thoughts don't allow me enjoy life but that's nothing new. As a child I was also overwhelmed with my thoughts. My dad would advise me to make my mind go blank, but I never could, I never could and I still can't. My thoughts are eating up alive.

I don't think anyone knows because I am very good at putting up a front. At work I receive comments that I am a very happy person but what they don't see is that I'm dying inside. I am a such a good actress that I even fool myself.