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I can't handle my own thoughts. 

I Knew

I knew. Deep in my soul I knew there was something wrong with my marriage. It was an overnight thing. I didn't see any clues, it was like one day everything was fine and the next day I knew. If I think about it today I can feel all the things I felt almost 6 years ago. I can feel the panic and the insecurities that I never felt being married to him. I didn't even feel this horrible feelings dating others before my marriage. I knew.

So I know he knew. People can't live together for years and not know what each other is doing. Women and men are so different and handle do things so differently that I didn't know the pain I caused because he kept going like nothing happened. I guess that's what I am doing, going on but inside I am dying. I know people use the word dying very care free but I truly believe that everyday my soul cracks a little and one day there will no soul left.

Past good or bad

I had a great week-end and as I write I feel content. At the same time I feel afraid because my feelings of happiness are short lived. Yesterday I spend the evening with my elementary friends from 33 years ago, yes I said 33 years ago, how crazy is that? Every time I spend time with them it takes me back, it feels like time stopped and it's a great feeling. In this situation past memories are an awesome thing!!

I'm not Ok

My head feels like it's going to explode. There is no much pressure that it's going to begin to ooze out. I laugh, I smile, and I talk, I talk a lot so it seems like I'm OK. But I'm not, I"m not okay. And if this is what you felt many years ago, I am so sorry because the torment is unbearable. Maybe it's just me, my way of thinking, my personality, or my mental issues but I can't take it. I have never in my life felt so unhappy that way I feel now. I don't know whether to run or just sleep. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

I wish I had someone I could pour my heart out to but I don't. I don't think anyone has that one person because it truly is a burden to hear the pain of another. We are understanding human beings. We are arrogant and selfish, myself included. Humans are hateful creatures. And I know I am generalizing but just how I feel. Maybe it's Americans, maybe people from other countries are more understanding to their fellow human being's pain. Whatever it is, we are all alone in this great big planet we call home.

Almost six years ago when all this began friends would tell me, "Time will heal" here I am still waiting on time to heal because my wounds are still open. The person who is supposed to help close the wounds isn't available to operate. What happens now? What happens when there is no one there to help close the wound, it gets infected. Infections cause more pain than the actual wound. So this where I am at almost six  years later with an open infected wound. And see no sign of relief.

Marisol

Si o No

I'm so easily frustrated on my own. Do I take my meds and be numb or not take them and feel everything?!?!?!?

Why is my wound still opened?

Torture

I torture myself over things that can't be changed. I guess I shouldn't use the word torture, but I don't what other word to use. I will never be happy. I can not forgive. I can not let go. I feel nothing.


I remember at mom's funeral many relatives coming up to us and letting us know how much my mom loved us. I know that she did and I know why she did, because we were her only feelings left. She only cared about us, her daughters. I know that because that is how I feel. All my energy goes to my daughters, the little love that I have is only for them. They have become my everything.


As parents our children shouldn't be our everything, they should be a piece of hearts but not our whole heart. Our heart should belong to spouse, but when it doesn't it has to be filled with something else and that is where our children come in and fill it up. I know understand that is what I mom did, my mom lived for us as I live for my children, without them I would have no reason to get up in the morning and in a way that is sad.  Not sad because I have them but sad because I have no other reasons and we should all have other reasons.


I don't how to change the way I feel. I don't know how to wake up and be excited about life, about my life, about living. So maybe torture is the correct word for me.


Marisol

Dexter

I recently started watching the TV Series, Dexter. I usually only stick to comedies that 30 minutes long because of my short attention span but I have made some exceptions and Dexter is one of them. It is a horror of  a series which is up my alley because I am addicted to watching shows on the ID channel which has to do with real life killings. Although Dexter is a serial killer, I can identify with a lot of his personal thoughts. If you watch the show then you will understand this blog entry. I am only on the second season but I can already feel his personal pain. I could never understand the pain of losing a parent to murder but I can understand the pain of losing oneself. Dexter is lost in his pain as am I.

Dexter feels all alone after his foster father passes away because his father was the only one who knew his secret until he found out he had a brother who also knew his secret. His brother passed and Dexter once again was left alone in his pain, in his thoughts. Dexter there is no one out there who would understand and he hides like he was taught to hid. I guess in a way we are all taught to hid who we really are, we are taught to behave our Sunday best.

So who can we turn to? Who do we turn to when all we want to do is scream? All we want to do is run? All we want to do is punch? Who? Who would understand? And even if we can understand each other's pain, will we be sincere with sympathy? Or would we be narcissistic? Are we capable of understanding each other's pain? Or do we just put up a front for every to see, just like Dexter.

The Whole Me

Today I realized one of the reason I am so depressed. I don't know who I am.I don't think I have ever known. Growing up I was the one my mom depended on to take care of my younger sister and nephew. Around my friends I tend to be the quiet one and when I did participate I was the weird one. To my older sisters I was the baby sister and I was the spoiled one. My sister's friends call me the brat. Then I got married and I became Hector's wife and I was  there to support his needs and wants. My favorite one was Nicole and Tati's mom although I went from Mommy to Mom very quick. What was the hardest for me was the year Hector and I were separated, I was the left one, the one everyone felt sorry for, the one fighting for something that no one believed in but me. During that time I totally lost myself.

I often wonder how others see me. I've been described from charming to intimidating, from sweet to snobby. I guess I am all those things more or less but I still don't know who I am. I don't know my purpose. I can even identify myself in my career because I don't have one. I am the one who has had too many jobs to count. I am the one who didn't college. I am the mess up to put it mildly.

I am the with all the potential but it all went to waste.

Marisol

Some days

Sadness

Venting

I only want someone I can spill my soul to and there would be no judgement only understanding.   

Understanding the lyrics

True

We are truly alone

I can't speak for everyone but I do feel alone. I have no one to talk to about my feelings. I don't want to burden anyone and I don't think anyone would understand. So day after day I have my thoughts and they have no where to go, so I suppose they can go here.

So if the life expectancy for a woman in the USA is 86.4, I'm passed middle age and that doesn't bother me as much as that I don't much to show for it. Growing up people always said I had potential to do great things in life. I never had the ambition or courage to do what I wanted to do. Now that I'm close to turning 46, I feel even less ambition. If the world ended today I'd be happy about it. 

I don't know how to get passed the pain of what has occurred in my life. I don't know how to fix what I have broken. I don't know to move forward and make improvements in my life. My failures as a mother, a wife, and a person overwhelm me.

My thoughts....my thoughts don't allow me enjoy life but that's nothing new. As a child I was also overwhelmed with my thoughts. My dad would advise me to make my mind go blank, but I never could, I never could and I still can't. My thoughts are eating up alive.

I don't think anyone knows because I am very good at putting up a front. At work I receive comments that I am a very happy person but what they don't see is that I'm dying inside. I am a such a good actress that I even fool myself. 

Sad

Will I ever get over my sadness? The misery I feel is unbareable. People around me would never know it because I don't show it. Is it just me, my illness, or am I just weak? Is this what my

Mom felt? If she did, then she died of sadness not of cancer. 

I know I should move forward and in a way I am moving forward. But I'm dragging along the way. 

I wish I could have been born with a different personality, without a mental illness. Maybe my life would have been so different. Maybe. 

For now I need to learn to let go, get over things in my life. 

Spinning round and round

Everything spins and repeats in my head. I don't ever forgive myself, it repeats over and over in my head and in my dreams. My whole life, my mother made me believe that I had special powers but in reality it was an anxiety disorder. She made me and people around us believe when I felt anxious it meant something was going to happen that I could see the future. I believed it and my sisters believed it. By coincidence sometimes something would happen so it engraved in my heart and in my head that I knew what was  going to happen in the future, but I was really experiencing anxiety attack.So now that I know better, how do I fix it?

I believe because I do have strength in me, I am not in a mental hospital. When I watch TV and see a character with schizophrenia, I can relate. I understand what that character is feeling. I recently attended an outpatient clinic for mental illness and it all made sense to me. Everything I learned and the stories I had heard from people I totally understood. It was a release for me to understand why I've wanted to shave my hair or run down the street screaming. It was not my mother's fault I was not diagnoses earlier in my life, she didn't know better. Mental illness was a taboo in her generation and she was taught to tough it out.And she also needed help. She could have had a better life if she had gotten help.

There so many times I just want it all to stop. My brain is constantly going and it's exhausting. I do remember as a child trying to explain myself to my dad and he would tell me to turn off my brain, to make it go blank and relax.  I couldn't do it then and I can't do it now.

Marisol

We are all the same

We are all the same. As I watch Grey's Anatomy or listen to the music of Pink, we all have the same pain, the same anger, the same fears, and the same joy. It only happens to us at different times in our life and in different ways but we are all the same.

There is a scene in Grey's Anatomy season 3 after Denny Duquette dies and Lizzy lays still almost lifeless on the bathroom floor. I can relate to that scene. Five years ago the floor was my comfort, I don't know but it was. The floor was only thing that could calm me down. When we are going through trials we assume it's only happening to us, but in reality it's happening to all of us at one time or another. At one time or another we are all lifeless.

There are some life experiences that we do experience alone.There are things my friends' have gone through that I had not and vise-versa. But we can all understand each other's pain. Pain is something we all have in common and sometimes it takes for to share the same experience in order to show compassion and is not right but it's human.

Laughter is something we all seem to want to share. We love love to laugh and we all crave to be happy. Happiness is something that I have never been. I have had happy moments in my life but to say that I am happy would be a lie. I do love to laugh and I hope to do more of it in my future.

Marisol

Why I spoke out.

How do I deal with my emotions? How do I deal with something I've never known how to deal with? I don't know how to cope with life I never have until early this year when I was admitted to an outpatient clinic. All my life I have felt like I was going out of my mind even as a child. I have always felt different and I have never known why. I have always reacted and never thought of the consequences which hurt me in different ways in many areas of my life.

I have seen counselors, therapists, and even psychiatrists but they all diagnosed me with depression. Maybe I didn't open up enough with my past till now, so I don't blame them. I do wish  there would have been a diagnosis earlier in my life. Some people tell me I'm brave for opening up, but I am not. I only want people to know why I am the way I am. I am not using my diagnosis as an excuse for my bad actions, I only want understanding for what I have done in my past. I do deeply apologize for all the people I have hurt in my past. It is not an excuse it is a reason.

Knowing who I am has helped me understand my actions and it will help me not make the same mistakes. It will help me not cure me. I hope everyone that knows me will also understand and forgive me for my past mistakes.

My therapist told me to embrace because many famous people have been diagnosed with the same mental illness. I do not want to embrace it. I only want an explanation for my weirdness and why I have always felt different and alone. He also told me that people would not understand and I would be judged. If that is true, it's okay because it has given me a reason not to give up. There are many times in my life when I've wanted to fall asleep and never wake up because the pain of being me is just too much to handle.

If you have the same symptoms please go get help, it's the only way to get better.

Marisol